Why being built like a linebacker sucks

I’ve got to get this off my chest – being built like a linebacker sucks sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining about being a healthy 23 year old man, standing a solid 6’2″ and 270 lbs. However it isn’t always puppies and rainbows for big guys.

6. You’re the “get out of fights free” card

Imagine, you’re out at the bar with your friends, enjoying a few adult beverages and enjoying the company of some fine ladies. You notice your friend talking with some near by strangers and it all seems pretty amiable. Then you hear the words that every big guy knows, “Oh you want to start shit? [talking over shoulder] My bro over there will kick you f*ing face in!” (or any drunken variation of that). Now mind you, I have no problem with these people. For all I know we could be friends having beers at the bar together. I have no idea how the shit started and I have no idea if any of these guys are secretly ninjas and will kill me with their pinky finger. But now I AM the one who is responsible for the fight, not my friend. How the hell is that right? I mean he picks the fight, but I’m the one who is supposed to ACTUALLY fight. Wait, what? Fortunately so far none of these have come to fruition because most people see me and suddenly are very apologetic. Still, I’m not a fan of being the “Get out of a fight for free” card.

5. It is an investment to get drunk

It’s a Friday night and you’re pre-gaming with your friends before you head out to the bar. Everyone else has a couple of drinks and is set to head out for the night. They will have another couple of beers or a cocktail while they’re out and have a pretty good drunk on (drunk, but not slobbering). However, when you’re built like a brick-shit-house it takes a little more and in some cases a lot more. This one is very dependent on meals and regular drinking activity, however on average your linebacker friend will drink considerably more than everyone else. Why? We’re bigger, it just takes more. We’ve got more mass to go around than you so it takes more. And it sucks to be the only one in a group of drunk people who is buzzed or fairly sober, when you’re out for the night to get drunk and have fun. Suddenly everyone wants to go out when you could use another drink or two before you leave in order to get you to a reasonable level prior to the bar. So while your friends only need a couple of drinks at the bar, you suddenly require twice that. Beer isn’t cheap at bars. As was so well put in the 40 Year-old Virgin “Man it’s packed here tonight.” “Yeah, it’s $9 beer night.” It can just be an expensive proposition to go out for a night, something people who aren’t the same size don’t necessarily realize. And then you get to the bar and…

4. Packed places are extremely uncomfortable

So you’re at the bar and much to your dismay it is packed wall to wall. People everywhere, but all with the same goals, namely 1) get a drink 2) meet people 3) repeat. Now imagine that you’re packed into all of this, at least half a head taller than most around you and considerably wider (due to your broad shoulders). You feel like a god damn giant walking through a packed room and can barely raise your arm to sip that beer you nearly had to body slam someone into the bar to get. And the bar is only getting more packed, compressing you further. I hate cramped places because you feel extremely out of place and have a very difficult time moving. You’re either right on top of someone and can barely move, or 4 people are right on top of you and there is nothing you can do about it. Think of how uncomfortable a subway is when it is packed full, your goodies all up in someone you don’t know and don’t want to know. It’s like that all the time. Everywhere that there is a large crowd, the big guys feel it first.

3. It is hard to find properly fitting clothes

This is really more like it sucks shopping for clothes, but also clothes that fit relatively well. It’s a pain in the ass to shop. Everything seems to be designed for two body types 1) short and any build or 2) tall and skinny. Where is the love for the tall big guys? And I’m not talking a “big and tall” store here folks (because frankly, their selection sucks), let’s just make some sizes that appropriately fit guys that aren’t 6’2″ and 190 lbs. It seems like I have two options when it comes to most clothing (unless you really want to drop some money for a tailor fit) 1) buy clothes that are a little big and thus make it look like you’re a lot heavier than you are (see most dress shirts) or, 2) buy clothes that are a little small and look awkward – like you don’t know how to properly launder your clothes.  This is if you don’t want to wear sweats, shorts and t-shirts everywhere. And even T-shirts can be a pain in the ass. Jeans – have to try on multiple pairs to find one that isn’t all over your legs looking like skinny jeans (normally has to be loose fit, so forget anything semi-stylish). I’m not a fashion diva, but it would be nice to have clothes that are somewhat stylish and fit appropriately.

2. People just assume you’re not that smart

Maybe it’s all the pop culture around movies and big guys, or it’s the jock stereotype playing here, but people seem to assume you’re not that smart. I don’t know why and I’m not sure I want to know, but for some reason, you’ve really got to work and prove that you’re not a bag of rocks. It’s like because you’re a big athletic guy you couldn’t possibly have any form of intelligence sitting between the ears. The assumption is that you’ve spent your years pounding your head against others and thus have a minimal amount of brain cells left. And for some reason this one doesn’t work in reverse, people don’t just assume every small person is a freaking genius. Big guys got to and graduate from college every year. Seriously, we do.

1. You are asked “how much you can bench” by every new person you meet

I’m a big strong guy, I get it, but that doesn’t mean I spend all of my time in the gym crushing iron and drinking protein. I do other things. Am I strong? Yes. Do I work out? Yes. Can I lift a lot? More than the average Joe. Does that mean I can bench press fucking a Buick? No. Similar questions include (depending on size and height): “Did you play football?” “Did you play basketball?” “How big are you?” “How much can you lift?” “How much do you eat?” “How big is your grocery bill?” and my personal favorite “How big are your biceps?”. Seriously, I’ve been asked “How big are your biceps?” Like I keep a running tally at home or I’m going to breakout a tape measure and give a quick readout.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that being a big guy is not it’s all cut out to be (and I’m not even that big of a guy, I can’t imagine what it’s like for my younger brother who is like 6’6″ and 300 lbs). Sure it has lots of benefits (to come later) but it also has a lot of hangups that go along with it. These are just a few of the top ones, but I’m sure there are more. Big guys, what grinds your gears?

Stay classy.

2 Responses to “Why being built like a linebacker sucks”
  1. Pam Mc says:

    As a woman at the opposite end of the spectrum, I never thought about this. As a writer, I really appreciate your sharing–it’ll help with characterization!

  2. Josh says:

    “bench press fucking a Buick” lol at the imagery. It’s probably a bad idea to bench press anything while doing that.

    As a guy with similar stats, this post is spot on. Cheers.

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